Month: March 2012

looking back…

i was reading one of my older blogs, this one was from when i was just a new mom. thought i’d share some of the posts (although now, i can see i could’ve done a lot better at my style of writing then) that were the most meaningful to me…

ON MOTHERHOOD

Written: 29 August 2008 23:56

I was re-organizing my three-month old son’s cabinet earlier this evening, taking out those he had already outgrown, some were very rarely used, others not at all. Surprisingly, it was a very sad task. It was hard for me to put them in a plastic bag and transfer them to the bottom most drawer. I felt so bad I wanted to cry. I just felt that a phase of my son’s life had already passed, and that time just goes by so fast. I wish I could hold on to every moment of my child’s life because I am scared that before I know it, he has grown. When I think of the fact that he will soon be a toddler, it saddens me. I know that as my son grows up, there will be much more fun to look forward to, but looking at him now, as a baby, I can’t help but just want to hold on to this… he is just so adorable I wish he can be my baby forever. Having someone depend on you completely, and smile just upon seeing you, it melts your heart completely.

Motherhood opens your heart to extreme levels of emotions that are the hardest to contain. You never know you are capable of so much love until you have a child. Sometimes, my love for J just overwhelms me, I don’t know how to express it. Hugging him or kissing him is never enough. I want to let him feel how much I love him but you can never find enough ways to express your love to your child.

I am so excited to teach him a lot of things, to take him to places, and to simply shower him with love. I am forever complete now that I have my son.

ON “I LOVE YOUS”

Written: 27 September 2008 13:00

My mission to make mom feel loved continues. Courageously, I’d shower her with “I love yous” and “I miss yous.” I still haven’t broken her barrier. Either she won’t reply or would talk about something totally different. But for some reason, maybe due to the cosmic connection of mothers and daughters, I always receive her replies directly to my heart; and for that, I’m happy. I still wish she’d say it though. NOT because I need to hear it, but because I know I know it will do her good.

Saying “I love you” liberates us from a lot of hidden pains and grudges. It enables us to let go of the past and to start with acceptance, and to continue on with healing. The problem is, saying “I love you” is easier for most of our loved ones but a mile harder for loves deeper and more intimate. What can be deeper than the love between a mother and her child?

Having a son freed me from the “no-I-love-yous” prison. It’s like a hidden valve was unlocked and unleashed a kind of love I never thought I have. My son cured me of a lot of hurt. And knowing how my mom must be hurting, I wish for her the same liberation from pain. So I continue this mission of assisting my mother through healing…

Someday, “I love yous” will come easy for her too.

ON BROKEN FAMILIES

Written: Aug. 22, 2008

When I was younger, I don’t get all the fuss about having a broken a family. I always maintained that better to be apart than staying together wanting to bite one another’s assess off…

But after “the fall of the DC family” around the end of April 2008, I finally understood. There I was, turning 24, on the family way myself, feeling the impact of a broken family. I felt so alone.

I am married, expecting a son, but yet a certain hollow ache gnaws me from inside. I, juggling myself between WC (my true home) and Manda (my new home), Jl staying in WC, Mama & Apol in Vista and Papa…elsewhere. I can’t help but think of the old days with a longing ache.

What hurt me most is having to be separated with my siblings. For 23 years, we have been inseparable; yet now we only see each other a few times a month…or not at all.

I am past having to blame any of my parents. I’m too old for that. But how I wish we never have to be this way. I never thought it would hurt this much. I can only imagine how this must be hurting my younger siblings, when even I, the one mature enough to understand, am secretly hurting inside.

Even now that I am enjoying my status as a new mom, and with my husband’s support, I can still feel the heartache of seeing my family shatter into “my bro-my sis-my mom-my dad,” and not a single unit.

I have put off crying over this for much too long… But now, I relinquished the false appearance of strength. I needed to vent out. I have to vent out. Or else, I won’t be completely a mom to my son… won’t completely be a wife to my husband. I have to welcome the full extent of the pain… Only then will I be able to heal.

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Enough with the nostalgia.

a grateful kid

this afternoon while i was preparing my son for siesta, he held his index finger up to me…

JBboy: mom, look o! i got hair in my nose!

me: oh, that’s okay. we really have hair in our nose. they’re supposed to catch dirt.

JBboy: …?

me: diba* sometimes you have kulangot**? the hairs catch dirt so they wouldn’t enter your body. look, your nose is always open diba? if you don’t have hair in your nose, all the dirt would just go inside your body.

JBboy: wow! thanks, guys! gee, thanks hairs!

me: lol!

thanks, nose!

*diba-isn’t it; **kulangot-booger

 

random thoughts

so i decided to change the name of my blog today to The SAHM (or Stay At Home Mom) Chronicles. when i first created this blog, i honestly have not yet thought of a name that i feel suits what i want my blog to be about. so i settled for the old name–kids and whatnots– which was the most (semi-)decent name i could think of at that time..but now after almost 2 weeks the old name just doesn’t cut it for me. i like this new name better because it describes what my blog is about. and it suits my first post more. when i was still planning about this blog, i knew that i wanted it to be about my daily adventures as a stay-at-home mom to my two toddlers. then when i started teaching ESL from home, the idea became clearer. i thought, even if i’m always just at home, i have a lot to write about with all the ruckus of being some sort of a housewife and working mom at the same time. and after being able to write several posts now, i finally got to think a name that suits the style of my blog better. and this name i think will stay for a while.

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sometimes, i just want to run…run and never look back…run to wherever it takes me…’til i can’t get up. but if i do, would you look for me? would you go after me and call for me? why would you…when you haven’t even noticed i’ve gone.

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Angry Birds

Angry Birds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last Saturday, when I went to Greenhills Shopping Center to “feel better,” I also bought this Angry Birds toy from a bargain/novelty store for my son. This morning, I asked him where the angry bird and the pig are and:

JBboy: mommy, why did you buy me a pig that is red? diba* the pig must be green? and diba* the angry bird’s head should be like this (gesturing the correct shape with his hands)?

Me: …………

well, i’m sorry, you imitation-buster you! it’s the thought that counts.

Birds, Pigs and the mediator (Asi Cohen) posed...

Birds, Pigs and the mediator (Asi Cohen) posed for a photo shortly before talks broke down. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

*diba – isn’t it/shouldn’t it/mustn’t it-you get the picture

Why You Shouldn’t Marry a Smart Woman (if you can’t deal!)

  1. she will not settle for less
  2. she will see past your excuses (and give Mr.Holmes a run for his money)
  3. she will have all your expenses accounted down (to the last cent)
  4. she will find a lot of loopholes in your well-thought-of argument
  5. she will cite medical resources on why she should take regular trips to the salon (esp. the pedicurist!)
  6. she will cite medical and scientific reasons to argue the harmful effects of your habits and behavior at home and with the kids
  7. she will back her statements up with psychological studies about why you act and think that way
  8. she will read your mind and tell you what you’re thinking of before you even get the chance to say it (like you would)
  9. she will always have a witty comeback
  10. she will come up with creative ways to get back at you (when you deserve it)
  11. she will write a blog post on why your video games are different from your kids
  12. she will always, and i mean ALWAYS, be right

taken from weddings-place.com

why video games are different from your kids

  1. the amount of time you invest in video games will not influence the kind of individuals they would grow up to be.
  2. video games would not feel bad if you don’t spend your weekends with them.
  3. no matter how much effort you put in on mastering your gaming skills, video games would not kiss, hug and whisper “i love you” when you go to bed.
  4. video games cannot give butterfly kisses.
  5. even after not seeing you the whole day, video games’ eyes will not light up into a smile upon seeing you again.
  6. even if you get really good at playing with video games, they’d never think you’re just the coolest and try to imitate you.
  7. if you need to stay late at work and miss dinner, video games won’t care.
  8. video games will never defend you from “mom, the unreasonable.” in fact, they will even fuel up her fire.
  9. video games do not have memories of all the times you spend together to treasure and hold dear.
  10. if you miss a year of your video games’ life, they will still be the same. meanwhile you have missed an entire year of your kids’ lives and no amount of rebooting or re-installing could ever bring that back.

Note: this post has definitely nothing to do with this man whatsoever.

dad with his video game

the guy who would kill me when he sees this

when wives turn to food

so this afternoon i was talking about how my hubby’s always so busy training his shogun army to pay attention to me. guess what i did: yep, i wasn’t kidding, i went and got myself french fries and ice cream. nothing like comfort food to cheer a girl up.

my sister and i went to Greenhills Shopping Center which is a haven for bargain shoppers, party-goers and foodies. at first, i thought this was a bad idea; i’m walking around aisles and aisles of shoes and bags (at bargain price at that!) knowing i can’t buy anything, it was making me feel worse.

Greenhills Shopping Center

Greenhills Shopping Center (Photo credit: Ced)

but then we went into this novelty store i’ve loved since high school and found this:

me in a mug

(which i think was totally made for me); my mood started to lighten up. but the main attraction of the day is none other than a girl’s bestfriends–not diamonds, silly, i meant ice cream and fries! (or in this case, hot fudge sundae and fries)

comfort food!

so why do women turn to food when they’re feeling less than great? According to a medical/health website, comfort foods usually contain fatty acids that:

“provide the positive benefits for enhancing moods and brain function which improve our thinking, feelings, and behavior [and] are becoming recognized for their mood-stabilizing and antidepressant effects as well as satiety”

of course, we know that succumbing to all those oh-so-yummy comfort foods increases our chances of becoming overweight, or worse, obese.

if that is the case, i think emotional eating can be best resolved by unrooting the actual problem: our emotions. until we learn to accept that there is something else we are trying to gain rather than the pleasure of ice cream in our mouths, we would never stop reaching for that next pint of rocky road.

restlessly invisible… invisibly restless…

it’s Saturday and i’m bored.

yeah, i know,how can i still be bored when i have two toddlers to take care of and a home to manage. i don’t know, but i’ve been feeling bored lately, almost restless…like i’m looking for something or something’s missing, i’m not sure.

well, alright, i don’t exactly not know. it may be because i didn’t set up a family-day-out budget this month so i can’t take the kids out. may also be because i, of course, do not have a personal budget this month so i can’t take myself out either. or maybe, it’s because the hubby is not interested in anything else these past weeks other than Shogun II Total War.

what do you do when you feel invisible?

should you nag, bicker, demand? (tried)

should you go sexy and distract him from the daimyo? (not in the mood; not deserved either)

should you send a message to an old crush? (maybe)

should you rant about it to your girlfriends?  (who may or may not care)

should you just leave him with his personal time and space? (probably..but then again…)

i know what i should do. i should take a bath and get myself some fries and ice cream.

newborn

A Love Letter to the Man Who Taught Me True Love—My Son

Let me start off by saying I have prayed for you all my life. I have always known I wanted to have a son as my first-born. I imagined you to be this smiling boy, so full of life, smart, happy, someone with whom I share a special bond.  God could not have made a better job.

booties

positiveIt all started with two purple lines. I knew then that life will never be the same. From that moment, I have loved you.

How I wish I could justify with words the love that envelops a mother’s heart when they see their child for the first time. Unfortunately, words will never be enough. All I can say is, I never thought I can love someone that way until I held you in my arms. But you showed me that Love encompasses a lot of things. This Love is different–it made me stronger, stronger than I ever thought I could be. It made me want to be better, made me want to achieve something, made me want to deserve you.

newborn

Five days after you were born, I was singing to you this love song. It suddenly hit me how the lyrics of this song greatly explains how I feel for you. I felt tears run down my cheeks because I realized then, I would die for this person.

Now four years after, I look at you and I still can’t believe someone like you could come from someone like me. You are beautiful. You are amazing. I want to tell you that everyday amidst the shouting, and all the racket of raising you and your sister. I wish I can just hold your face in my hands and make you understand how much I do love you. I know it annoys you now sometimes when I repeatedly tell you I love you or kiss you over and over again because it distracts you from Disney Junior. Just that, maybe if I do it that much, it will somehow come close to how I truly feel.

The truth is, at times I feel guilty that I gave you a sister too early.  Not to undermine the love and happiness I feel for your sister; but I feel that I should have allowed you more time to be my baby. I am so proud that being a big brother before turning two has made you a little bit more mature in ways, but sometimes I wish, I could have “babied” you more. In a few months you’ll be entering preschool and soon, you’ll be more independent. But as your mom, how I wish I could hold on to you for much longer…much, much longer.

J&B

They say moms are little boys’ first girlfriends. I would say you are my true love. You are my son, my first-born. The place you occupy in my heart is no less than my happiest place. Someday, I may have to share you with a woman who you will love.  Although in my mind now, I am hating that day, I will try my very best to accept that when the time comes (although I know I would probably cry rivers).

For now, I will enjoy being your beauty queen, your heroine. And I reserve my right to kiss you as many times as I want.

Who says you can tell which of my kids I love more based on my Facebook photos??

Instagram

Instagram (Photo credit: iandavid)

i came across this post from Megan Jordan, Does Facebook (And Instagram. And your Mom) Think You Love One Kid More Than Another? and it just baffled me.  Apparently, one mother’s Facebook photos evidenced that she was favoring one child more than the others because there are way more photos of that child posted.  It “clearly” shows she can murder the unfavoured child.  i still cannot wrap my mind around that. but like Megan, it got me to thinking of my own photos and yep, one of my 2 kids has more photos than the other one. but i can definitely say that it does not mean i love one over the other more. it’s weird when people nowadays believe that a mother’s love can be judged by something that’s a bit trivial like social networking photos. i have not heard about that news but it’s something to think about. maybe i should post more photos now???

lazy mom, hungry kids

you know those days when you’re feeling so lazy you wanna just stay in bed…oh, the thought of just sleeping in, not doing any chores, just dosing off in complete oblivion of two kids tugging at you to make sandwiches…wait–what? oh yeah…breakfast. so you grudgingly get out of bed to make peanut butter sandwiches (oh, but JBgirl likes cheese sandwiches, not peanut butter) and then try to sneak in a nap on the sofa. but JBboy is asking for water and the cat snatched JBgirl’s sandwich and the requests just go on and on and on…….

sometimes i really miss being able to eat a meal that I did not cook. or to be waken up just in time to eat lunch. but when you’re a mom, it feels sometimes that if you don’t cook, then your family will starve. or if you don’t cook then nobody will and again your family will starve.clipartof.com

during the months after my resignation in august, i was back to cooking everyday and i made sure JBdad, JBboy and JBgirl would all have a delicious (and healthy) meal to eat. but since i started home based teaching, sometimes i get so sleepy in the afternoon that i take a nap until i don’t already have the time to cook. so my family would settle for canned-good meals or easy-to-cook meals but i don’t like that. i want them to have great meals everyday but i am not always able to do that.

what do i do when it’s one of those lazy days?

1. when i don’t want to get out of bed, i just do it. – now that doesn’t sound like something right? (LOL) but really, just do it. just get out of bed and wash your face or something. because the more you entertain the thought of wanting to stay in bed, then you wouldn’t really get anything done.

 

 

zany holidays2. when i’m still sleepy but my kids are asking for breakfast, i will make them each of their favorite, prepare milk or water and place them on their desk near the sofa. i turn on the TV while they eat and i’ll sneak in a nap for myself on the sofa. it works for me most of the time and gets me refreshed and ready to prepare lunch.

 

 

Living Room Couch

3. when i can’t think of anything except to climb back to bed but i have chores to do then i don’t linger around by the sofa. because it will just make me wanna sit down then later to lean back and soon to put my legs up and just give in to temptation. i usually keep working at the kitchen and i have time like when something’s simmering on the stove, i just look for other things to do like wiping the counter top or sweeping the floor.

 

oh, i have more but unfortunately i made the mistake of leaning back and now i’m putting my legs up and…………………………………..

Note: when writing this post, i have decided that from now on, i’ll refer to my hubby as JBdad, son as JBboy and daughter as JBgirl when mentioning them in my blog. and yes, the 3 of them have the same initials.