letters

and just like that, it was 2002 all over again…

remember that scene from Sex and the City 2 when after being frustrated by Big‘s seeming preference for a couch-tv-and-takeout marriage, Carrie decides to stay at her old apartment for two days to write? at the end of day 2, she receives a call from Big asking him out to dinner and she discovers that he is waiting for him in his car outside her apartment; the same way he always does during their on again off again relationship. due to this “renewed sparkle,” Carrie was able to say, “just like that, it was 1998 all over again.”

(Photo credit: FotoRita [Allstar maniac])”]Sex and the City [in Rome]

i felt exactly like this when, during one of my classes, hubby started sending me this messages on FB (not exactly the most romantic venue but who cares). it was more like a letter although it was in parts and it is exactly what i need to “renew the sparkle.”

these past weeks (okay, months.) hasn’t been good for our marriage. we are nowhere near wanting to disown each other but we are a far cry from the romantic-comedic couple we once were. i guess we’ve been both frustrated with a lot of things: change in our financial situation since i resigned from my job several months ago, move from the apartment we used to rent to my father’s house when he left it, the severe lack of quality time together and the severe lack of “alone” time for both parties. these were all nobody’s fault and it’s part of the hardships one gets through marriage but we were taking it out on each other. instead of supporting each other through these bad times, we became watchdogs of each other, always looking fro something to gnaw at as if we weren’t already frustrated enough. the lack of money for recreation further makes the situation worse for we cannot even go out to have dinner alone together. as months passed by, we continually failed to be a team.

five days out of the seven in a week, we wouldn’t be in “lovey-dovey, partners in life forever” mode. so i was pleasantly surprised when i received the first part of his “letter.” it had been a very long time since he last wrote anything for me. and it’s not just the act of writing something, but the message was just what i need to remember that all is not lost; that we are going through a rough time when the kids are still young, money is not easy and we don’t have a lot of chances to spend time together BUT we still have each other.

of course our relationship will never be the way it was when we were still in college (i don’t even think i want it to be). but Hubby’s right. things change but not the love that we have for each other. and sometimes women do tend to hold on to every single mistake when we can just let (the simple ones) go.

i’m not saying that we will be all roses-and-chocolates from now on. i’m pretty sure the next mini argument won’t be too far away but i would like to commend him for expressing his thoughts this way rather than just being passive aggressive about it. at least now, i know what he’s thinking about, and i can understand where he’s coming from.

if you are curious about the “letter,” here it is. it’s not too fancy but it’s the straightforward quality of it that i appreciated a lot.

dad & me

newborn

A Love Letter to the Man Who Taught Me True Love—My Son

Let me start off by saying I have prayed for you all my life. I have always known I wanted to have a son as my first-born. I imagined you to be this smiling boy, so full of life, smart, happy, someone with whom I share a special bond.  God could not have made a better job.

booties

positiveIt all started with two purple lines. I knew then that life will never be the same. From that moment, I have loved you.

How I wish I could justify with words the love that envelops a mother’s heart when they see their child for the first time. Unfortunately, words will never be enough. All I can say is, I never thought I can love someone that way until I held you in my arms. But you showed me that Love encompasses a lot of things. This Love is different–it made me stronger, stronger than I ever thought I could be. It made me want to be better, made me want to achieve something, made me want to deserve you.

newborn

Five days after you were born, I was singing to you this love song. It suddenly hit me how the lyrics of this song greatly explains how I feel for you. I felt tears run down my cheeks because I realized then, I would die for this person.

Now four years after, I look at you and I still can’t believe someone like you could come from someone like me. You are beautiful. You are amazing. I want to tell you that everyday amidst the shouting, and all the racket of raising you and your sister. I wish I can just hold your face in my hands and make you understand how much I do love you. I know it annoys you now sometimes when I repeatedly tell you I love you or kiss you over and over again because it distracts you from Disney Junior. Just that, maybe if I do it that much, it will somehow come close to how I truly feel.

The truth is, at times I feel guilty that I gave you a sister too early.  Not to undermine the love and happiness I feel for your sister; but I feel that I should have allowed you more time to be my baby. I am so proud that being a big brother before turning two has made you a little bit more mature in ways, but sometimes I wish, I could have “babied” you more. In a few months you’ll be entering preschool and soon, you’ll be more independent. But as your mom, how I wish I could hold on to you for much longer…much, much longer.

J&B

They say moms are little boys’ first girlfriends. I would say you are my true love. You are my son, my first-born. The place you occupy in my heart is no less than my happiest place. Someday, I may have to share you with a woman who you will love.  Although in my mind now, I am hating that day, I will try my very best to accept that when the time comes (although I know I would probably cry rivers).

For now, I will enjoy being your beauty queen, your heroine. And I reserve my right to kiss you as many times as I want.