i found another blog post i wrote years ago and i just wanted to share it…
|ON MOM||Sep 7, ’08 4:48 PM
Written: 03 September 2008 17:19
I went back to Manda last Sunday night feeling a bit closer to my mother. I was sure then visiting was a great move to have done last weekend. Although my relationship with Mama still isn’t at its best, I feel that we both have greater respect and understanding for each other now. I can only imagine the pain she is going through as a mother to live each day with her family torn apart, not to mention all the lies, the embarrassment, the denial, and the betrayal of trust. She doesn’t realize how strong she really is to have gone through everything and to still have her spirits intact. It just hurts me that she still has to undergo more pain; it seems to me that there is still more to come until she hasn’t found enough strength to heal. As much as I try to maintain my respect for my father, I can’t deny the fact that he has been and is still being so unfair to my mother. Seeing Mama now, at first glance you’d see a strong, indifferent, even intimidating woman… but look closer for even just a minute and you’ll see that she truly is soft and still hurting inside. She has but simple wishes in life; she wants her family whole, her husband thoughtful, caring loyal… she has her eccentricities but who hasn’t? It doesn’t change the fact that she has cared so much for her family. I have gone through so much pain in the hands of my mother, but now, being married myself, I finally understood (almost completely). I now know where all the “hostility” had come from. It isn’t easy being a wife and a mother. You always have to give, give, give, and if you’re not careful enough, one day you’d realize you have nothing left for yourself. That probably was what happened to my mother. Now, slowly, she has found a way to experience the caring, the attention, and the “love” she so longs for… but for how long? I now know that it should be from us, her children. I wasted no time and texted her “I love you” last Sunday night. I didn’t expect the burst of emotions. Before I knew it, I was confiding to my husband about my guilt feelings. I regret having to leave my mom during the time she needed me the most. I could have been the one to support her, to pick her up. But now that I have a family of my own, I am pressed with my own obligations to be there for her as much as I would hope to. For now, I can only offer emotional support, which I do plan to give. I know that even if she tries hard to hide it, she embraces all the love and support we can give and appreciates everything. She is my mom, and I’ll love her forever.