broken family

every mom is also a daughter

i found another blog post i wrote years ago and i just wanted to share it…

ON MOM Sep 7, ’08 4:48 PM
for everyone

Written: 03 September 2008 17:19

I went back to Manda last Sunday night feeling a bit closer to my mother. I was sure then visiting was a great move to have done last weekend. Although my relationship with Mama still isn’t at its best, I feel that we both have greater respect and understanding for each other now. I can only imagine the pain she is going through as a mother to live each day with her family torn apart, not to mention all the lies, the embarrassment, the denial, and the betrayal of trust. She doesn’t realize how strong she really is to have gone through everything and to still have her spirits intact. It just hurts me that she still has to undergo more pain; it seems to me that there is still more to come until she hasn’t found enough strength to heal. As much as I try to maintain my respect for my father, I can’t deny the fact that he has been and is still being so unfair to my mother. Seeing Mama now, at first glance you’d see a strong, indifferent, even intimidating woman… but look closer for even just a minute and you’ll see that she truly is soft and still hurting inside. She has but simple wishes in life; she wants her family whole, her husband thoughtful, caring loyal…  she has her eccentricities  but who hasn’t? It doesn’t change the fact that she has cared so much for her family. I have gone through so much pain in the hands of my mother, but now, being married myself, I finally understood (almost completely). I now know where all the “hostility” had come from. It isn’t easy being a wife and a mother. You always have to give, give, give, and if you’re not careful enough, one day you’d realize you have nothing left for yourself. That probably was what happened to my mother. Now, slowly, she has found a way to experience the caring, the attention, and the “love” she so longs for… but for how long? I now know that it should be from us, her children. I wasted no time and texted her “I love you” last Sunday night. I didn’t expect the burst of emotions. Before I knew it, I was confiding to my husband about my guilt feelings. I regret having to leave my mom during the time she needed me the most. I could have been the one to support her, to pick her up. But now that I have a family of my own, I am pressed with my own obligations to be there for her as much as I would hope to. For now, I can only offer emotional support, which I do plan to give. I know that even if she tries hard to hide it, she embraces all the love and support we can give and appreciates everything. She is my mom, and I’ll love her forever.

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mama is doing much much better now. she has been enjoying herself with her sisters, friends and of course, her grandchildren. : )
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looking back…

i was reading one of my older blogs, this one was from when i was just a new mom. thought i’d share some of the posts (although now, i can see i could’ve done a lot better at my style of writing then) that were the most meaningful to me…

ON MOTHERHOOD

Written: 29 August 2008 23:56

I was re-organizing my three-month old son’s cabinet earlier this evening, taking out those he had already outgrown, some were very rarely used, others not at all. Surprisingly, it was a very sad task. It was hard for me to put them in a plastic bag and transfer them to the bottom most drawer. I felt so bad I wanted to cry. I just felt that a phase of my son’s life had already passed, and that time just goes by so fast. I wish I could hold on to every moment of my child’s life because I am scared that before I know it, he has grown. When I think of the fact that he will soon be a toddler, it saddens me. I know that as my son grows up, there will be much more fun to look forward to, but looking at him now, as a baby, I can’t help but just want to hold on to this… he is just so adorable I wish he can be my baby forever. Having someone depend on you completely, and smile just upon seeing you, it melts your heart completely.

Motherhood opens your heart to extreme levels of emotions that are the hardest to contain. You never know you are capable of so much love until you have a child. Sometimes, my love for J just overwhelms me, I don’t know how to express it. Hugging him or kissing him is never enough. I want to let him feel how much I love him but you can never find enough ways to express your love to your child.

I am so excited to teach him a lot of things, to take him to places, and to simply shower him with love. I am forever complete now that I have my son.

ON “I LOVE YOUS”

Written: 27 September 2008 13:00

My mission to make mom feel loved continues. Courageously, I’d shower her with “I love yous” and “I miss yous.” I still haven’t broken her barrier. Either she won’t reply or would talk about something totally different. But for some reason, maybe due to the cosmic connection of mothers and daughters, I always receive her replies directly to my heart; and for that, I’m happy. I still wish she’d say it though. NOT because I need to hear it, but because I know I know it will do her good.

Saying “I love you” liberates us from a lot of hidden pains and grudges. It enables us to let go of the past and to start with acceptance, and to continue on with healing. The problem is, saying “I love you” is easier for most of our loved ones but a mile harder for loves deeper and more intimate. What can be deeper than the love between a mother and her child?

Having a son freed me from the “no-I-love-yous” prison. It’s like a hidden valve was unlocked and unleashed a kind of love I never thought I have. My son cured me of a lot of hurt. And knowing how my mom must be hurting, I wish for her the same liberation from pain. So I continue this mission of assisting my mother through healing…

Someday, “I love yous” will come easy for her too.

ON BROKEN FAMILIES

Written: Aug. 22, 2008

When I was younger, I don’t get all the fuss about having a broken a family. I always maintained that better to be apart than staying together wanting to bite one another’s assess off…

But after “the fall of the DC family” around the end of April 2008, I finally understood. There I was, turning 24, on the family way myself, feeling the impact of a broken family. I felt so alone.

I am married, expecting a son, but yet a certain hollow ache gnaws me from inside. I, juggling myself between WC (my true home) and Manda (my new home), Jl staying in WC, Mama & Apol in Vista and Papa…elsewhere. I can’t help but think of the old days with a longing ache.

What hurt me most is having to be separated with my siblings. For 23 years, we have been inseparable; yet now we only see each other a few times a month…or not at all.

I am past having to blame any of my parents. I’m too old for that. But how I wish we never have to be this way. I never thought it would hurt this much. I can only imagine how this must be hurting my younger siblings, when even I, the one mature enough to understand, am secretly hurting inside.

Even now that I am enjoying my status as a new mom, and with my husband’s support, I can still feel the heartache of seeing my family shatter into “my bro-my sis-my mom-my dad,” and not a single unit.

I have put off crying over this for much too long… But now, I relinquished the false appearance of strength. I needed to vent out. I have to vent out. Or else, I won’t be completely a mom to my son… won’t completely be a wife to my husband. I have to welcome the full extent of the pain… Only then will I be able to heal.

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Enough with the nostalgia.