motherhood

even superheroes need help

one of the things i swore not to make my children feel is that they would not be able to count on me when they need help.  i think more than anything else, it came from personal experience.

growing up, i guess my parents saw me as this smart, independent girl who can take care of everything by herself. while that may sound as a compliment, it was actually very hard. i learned early on in life that i should look for solutions to my own problems instead of asking for help. luckily, i made it through most, but that just showed them that i really can handle everything. on the few times that i did ask for help, my pleas fell on deaf ears. it was always like nobody took me seriously each time i asked for help because they were thinking, i could do it anyway. (god, the unshakable memories of school programs without presentable costumes, art projects that lack materials, figuring how to get home on your own because no one would pick you up). as a teenager and until now, it’s still the same. many times i have been let down from asking for help with people dismissing everything as something i could do myself.

people always tell me that i’m a strong person and that i can handle a lot by myself. while that’s true, i just want people to know that there are times when i need help too.

now as an adult, my husband has told me a dozen times that i have problems with asking for help or even assistance. he said, i try so hard to solve something myself when it would be much simpler to ask someone for help (like asking for directions, assistance from someone). but i’ve just so gotten used to that. it’s like i have learned that it’s better to work my ass off on doing something myself than asking someone for help and getting disappointed.

although there were a lot of those “feeling-overlooked-childhood memories” i know now that those experiences taught me to be strong and independent. i believe i’m pretty good at solving problems and that i have commendable analytic skills. i want my children to be just as independent but i do not want them to learn it the same way i did.

i want my children to be able to explore and do things on their own. at the same time, i want them to feel that if they ever need my help, then i am there to guide them. i do not want them to hesitate with running to me for their problems. i want them to feel that i am here to listen. i want them to be strong, but i don’t want them hard as rocks. i want them to feel that it’s okay to sometimes feel weak because there will be people to help them be strong again. i don’t want them to feel the pain of being disappointed or let down by the people who are supposed to have their backs. i don’t want them to feel alone.

 

 

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looking back…

i was reading one of my older blogs, this one was from when i was just a new mom. thought i’d share some of the posts (although now, i can see i could’ve done a lot better at my style of writing then) that were the most meaningful to me…

ON MOTHERHOOD

Written: 29 August 2008 23:56

I was re-organizing my three-month old son’s cabinet earlier this evening, taking out those he had already outgrown, some were very rarely used, others not at all. Surprisingly, it was a very sad task. It was hard for me to put them in a plastic bag and transfer them to the bottom most drawer. I felt so bad I wanted to cry. I just felt that a phase of my son’s life had already passed, and that time just goes by so fast. I wish I could hold on to every moment of my child’s life because I am scared that before I know it, he has grown. When I think of the fact that he will soon be a toddler, it saddens me. I know that as my son grows up, there will be much more fun to look forward to, but looking at him now, as a baby, I can’t help but just want to hold on to this… he is just so adorable I wish he can be my baby forever. Having someone depend on you completely, and smile just upon seeing you, it melts your heart completely.

Motherhood opens your heart to extreme levels of emotions that are the hardest to contain. You never know you are capable of so much love until you have a child. Sometimes, my love for J just overwhelms me, I don’t know how to express it. Hugging him or kissing him is never enough. I want to let him feel how much I love him but you can never find enough ways to express your love to your child.

I am so excited to teach him a lot of things, to take him to places, and to simply shower him with love. I am forever complete now that I have my son.

ON “I LOVE YOUS”

Written: 27 September 2008 13:00

My mission to make mom feel loved continues. Courageously, I’d shower her with “I love yous” and “I miss yous.” I still haven’t broken her barrier. Either she won’t reply or would talk about something totally different. But for some reason, maybe due to the cosmic connection of mothers and daughters, I always receive her replies directly to my heart; and for that, I’m happy. I still wish she’d say it though. NOT because I need to hear it, but because I know I know it will do her good.

Saying “I love you” liberates us from a lot of hidden pains and grudges. It enables us to let go of the past and to start with acceptance, and to continue on with healing. The problem is, saying “I love you” is easier for most of our loved ones but a mile harder for loves deeper and more intimate. What can be deeper than the love between a mother and her child?

Having a son freed me from the “no-I-love-yous” prison. It’s like a hidden valve was unlocked and unleashed a kind of love I never thought I have. My son cured me of a lot of hurt. And knowing how my mom must be hurting, I wish for her the same liberation from pain. So I continue this mission of assisting my mother through healing…

Someday, “I love yous” will come easy for her too.

ON BROKEN FAMILIES

Written: Aug. 22, 2008

When I was younger, I don’t get all the fuss about having a broken a family. I always maintained that better to be apart than staying together wanting to bite one another’s assess off…

But after “the fall of the DC family” around the end of April 2008, I finally understood. There I was, turning 24, on the family way myself, feeling the impact of a broken family. I felt so alone.

I am married, expecting a son, but yet a certain hollow ache gnaws me from inside. I, juggling myself between WC (my true home) and Manda (my new home), Jl staying in WC, Mama & Apol in Vista and Papa…elsewhere. I can’t help but think of the old days with a longing ache.

What hurt me most is having to be separated with my siblings. For 23 years, we have been inseparable; yet now we only see each other a few times a month…or not at all.

I am past having to blame any of my parents. I’m too old for that. But how I wish we never have to be this way. I never thought it would hurt this much. I can only imagine how this must be hurting my younger siblings, when even I, the one mature enough to understand, am secretly hurting inside.

Even now that I am enjoying my status as a new mom, and with my husband’s support, I can still feel the heartache of seeing my family shatter into “my bro-my sis-my mom-my dad,” and not a single unit.

I have put off crying over this for much too long… But now, I relinquished the false appearance of strength. I needed to vent out. I have to vent out. Or else, I won’t be completely a mom to my son… won’t completely be a wife to my husband. I have to welcome the full extent of the pain… Only then will I be able to heal.

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Enough with the nostalgia.

a grateful kid

this afternoon while i was preparing my son for siesta, he held his index finger up to me…

JBboy: mom, look o! i got hair in my nose!

me: oh, that’s okay. we really have hair in our nose. they’re supposed to catch dirt.

JBboy: …?

me: diba* sometimes you have kulangot**? the hairs catch dirt so they wouldn’t enter your body. look, your nose is always open diba? if you don’t have hair in your nose, all the dirt would just go inside your body.

JBboy: wow! thanks, guys! gee, thanks hairs!

me: lol!

thanks, nose!

*diba-isn’t it; **kulangot-booger

 

newborn

A Love Letter to the Man Who Taught Me True Love—My Son

Let me start off by saying I have prayed for you all my life. I have always known I wanted to have a son as my first-born. I imagined you to be this smiling boy, so full of life, smart, happy, someone with whom I share a special bond.  God could not have made a better job.

booties

positiveIt all started with two purple lines. I knew then that life will never be the same. From that moment, I have loved you.

How I wish I could justify with words the love that envelops a mother’s heart when they see their child for the first time. Unfortunately, words will never be enough. All I can say is, I never thought I can love someone that way until I held you in my arms. But you showed me that Love encompasses a lot of things. This Love is different–it made me stronger, stronger than I ever thought I could be. It made me want to be better, made me want to achieve something, made me want to deserve you.

newborn

Five days after you were born, I was singing to you this love song. It suddenly hit me how the lyrics of this song greatly explains how I feel for you. I felt tears run down my cheeks because I realized then, I would die for this person.

Now four years after, I look at you and I still can’t believe someone like you could come from someone like me. You are beautiful. You are amazing. I want to tell you that everyday amidst the shouting, and all the racket of raising you and your sister. I wish I can just hold your face in my hands and make you understand how much I do love you. I know it annoys you now sometimes when I repeatedly tell you I love you or kiss you over and over again because it distracts you from Disney Junior. Just that, maybe if I do it that much, it will somehow come close to how I truly feel.

The truth is, at times I feel guilty that I gave you a sister too early.  Not to undermine the love and happiness I feel for your sister; but I feel that I should have allowed you more time to be my baby. I am so proud that being a big brother before turning two has made you a little bit more mature in ways, but sometimes I wish, I could have “babied” you more. In a few months you’ll be entering preschool and soon, you’ll be more independent. But as your mom, how I wish I could hold on to you for much longer…much, much longer.

J&B

They say moms are little boys’ first girlfriends. I would say you are my true love. You are my son, my first-born. The place you occupy in my heart is no less than my happiest place. Someday, I may have to share you with a woman who you will love.  Although in my mind now, I am hating that day, I will try my very best to accept that when the time comes (although I know I would probably cry rivers).

For now, I will enjoy being your beauty queen, your heroine. And I reserve my right to kiss you as many times as I want.

lazy mom, hungry kids

you know those days when you’re feeling so lazy you wanna just stay in bed…oh, the thought of just sleeping in, not doing any chores, just dosing off in complete oblivion of two kids tugging at you to make sandwiches…wait–what? oh yeah…breakfast. so you grudgingly get out of bed to make peanut butter sandwiches (oh, but JBgirl likes cheese sandwiches, not peanut butter) and then try to sneak in a nap on the sofa. but JBboy is asking for water and the cat snatched JBgirl’s sandwich and the requests just go on and on and on…….

sometimes i really miss being able to eat a meal that I did not cook. or to be waken up just in time to eat lunch. but when you’re a mom, it feels sometimes that if you don’t cook, then your family will starve. or if you don’t cook then nobody will and again your family will starve.clipartof.com

during the months after my resignation in august, i was back to cooking everyday and i made sure JBdad, JBboy and JBgirl would all have a delicious (and healthy) meal to eat. but since i started home based teaching, sometimes i get so sleepy in the afternoon that i take a nap until i don’t already have the time to cook. so my family would settle for canned-good meals or easy-to-cook meals but i don’t like that. i want them to have great meals everyday but i am not always able to do that.

what do i do when it’s one of those lazy days?

1. when i don’t want to get out of bed, i just do it. – now that doesn’t sound like something right? (LOL) but really, just do it. just get out of bed and wash your face or something. because the more you entertain the thought of wanting to stay in bed, then you wouldn’t really get anything done.

 

 

zany holidays2. when i’m still sleepy but my kids are asking for breakfast, i will make them each of their favorite, prepare milk or water and place them on their desk near the sofa. i turn on the TV while they eat and i’ll sneak in a nap for myself on the sofa. it works for me most of the time and gets me refreshed and ready to prepare lunch.

 

 

Living Room Couch

3. when i can’t think of anything except to climb back to bed but i have chores to do then i don’t linger around by the sofa. because it will just make me wanna sit down then later to lean back and soon to put my legs up and just give in to temptation. i usually keep working at the kitchen and i have time like when something’s simmering on the stove, i just look for other things to do like wiping the counter top or sweeping the floor.

 

oh, i have more but unfortunately i made the mistake of leaning back and now i’m putting my legs up and…………………………………..

Note: when writing this post, i have decided that from now on, i’ll refer to my hubby as JBdad, son as JBboy and daughter as JBgirl when mentioning them in my blog. and yes, the 3 of them have the same initials.

and so i write again…

I have always wanted to start a more serious blog ever since I became a mom; but somehow, I never pushed through with it. Don’t get me wrong, this is not my first blog but the ones I had before were more–lacking in direction, I guess? They were more of outlets for when I want to rant about something.  Lately, I am always thinking about starting one but I keep telling myself, what would I write about?  I don’t get to travel a lot, I rarely go shopping and I do not have a lot of time to eat out.  But then I figured it out… motherhood is an adventure on its own and there are a lot of things to share even when most of the time, I just stay home.