mother’s love

looking back…

i was reading one of my older blogs, this one was from when i was just a new mom. thought i’d share some of the posts (although now, i can see i could’ve done a lot better at my style of writing then) that were the most meaningful to me…

ON MOTHERHOOD

Written: 29 August 2008 23:56

I was re-organizing my three-month old son’s cabinet earlier this evening, taking out those he had already outgrown, some were very rarely used, others not at all. Surprisingly, it was a very sad task. It was hard for me to put them in a plastic bag and transfer them to the bottom most drawer. I felt so bad I wanted to cry. I just felt that a phase of my son’s life had already passed, and that time just goes by so fast. I wish I could hold on to every moment of my child’s life because I am scared that before I know it, he has grown. When I think of the fact that he will soon be a toddler, it saddens me. I know that as my son grows up, there will be much more fun to look forward to, but looking at him now, as a baby, I can’t help but just want to hold on to this… he is just so adorable I wish he can be my baby forever. Having someone depend on you completely, and smile just upon seeing you, it melts your heart completely.

Motherhood opens your heart to extreme levels of emotions that are the hardest to contain. You never know you are capable of so much love until you have a child. Sometimes, my love for J just overwhelms me, I don’t know how to express it. Hugging him or kissing him is never enough. I want to let him feel how much I love him but you can never find enough ways to express your love to your child.

I am so excited to teach him a lot of things, to take him to places, and to simply shower him with love. I am forever complete now that I have my son.

ON “I LOVE YOUS”

Written: 27 September 2008 13:00

My mission to make mom feel loved continues. Courageously, I’d shower her with “I love yous” and “I miss yous.” I still haven’t broken her barrier. Either she won’t reply or would talk about something totally different. But for some reason, maybe due to the cosmic connection of mothers and daughters, I always receive her replies directly to my heart; and for that, I’m happy. I still wish she’d say it though. NOT because I need to hear it, but because I know I know it will do her good.

Saying “I love you” liberates us from a lot of hidden pains and grudges. It enables us to let go of the past and to start with acceptance, and to continue on with healing. The problem is, saying “I love you” is easier for most of our loved ones but a mile harder for loves deeper and more intimate. What can be deeper than the love between a mother and her child?

Having a son freed me from the “no-I-love-yous” prison. It’s like a hidden valve was unlocked and unleashed a kind of love I never thought I have. My son cured me of a lot of hurt. And knowing how my mom must be hurting, I wish for her the same liberation from pain. So I continue this mission of assisting my mother through healing…

Someday, “I love yous” will come easy for her too.

ON BROKEN FAMILIES

Written: Aug. 22, 2008

When I was younger, I don’t get all the fuss about having a broken a family. I always maintained that better to be apart than staying together wanting to bite one another’s assess off…

But after “the fall of the DC family” around the end of April 2008, I finally understood. There I was, turning 24, on the family way myself, feeling the impact of a broken family. I felt so alone.

I am married, expecting a son, but yet a certain hollow ache gnaws me from inside. I, juggling myself between WC (my true home) and Manda (my new home), Jl staying in WC, Mama & Apol in Vista and Papa…elsewhere. I can’t help but think of the old days with a longing ache.

What hurt me most is having to be separated with my siblings. For 23 years, we have been inseparable; yet now we only see each other a few times a month…or not at all.

I am past having to blame any of my parents. I’m too old for that. But how I wish we never have to be this way. I never thought it would hurt this much. I can only imagine how this must be hurting my younger siblings, when even I, the one mature enough to understand, am secretly hurting inside.

Even now that I am enjoying my status as a new mom, and with my husband’s support, I can still feel the heartache of seeing my family shatter into “my bro-my sis-my mom-my dad,” and not a single unit.

I have put off crying over this for much too long… But now, I relinquished the false appearance of strength. I needed to vent out. I have to vent out. Or else, I won’t be completely a mom to my son… won’t completely be a wife to my husband. I have to welcome the full extent of the pain… Only then will I be able to heal.

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Enough with the nostalgia.

newborn

A Love Letter to the Man Who Taught Me True Love—My Son

Let me start off by saying I have prayed for you all my life. I have always known I wanted to have a son as my first-born. I imagined you to be this smiling boy, so full of life, smart, happy, someone with whom I share a special bond.  God could not have made a better job.

booties

positiveIt all started with two purple lines. I knew then that life will never be the same. From that moment, I have loved you.

How I wish I could justify with words the love that envelops a mother’s heart when they see their child for the first time. Unfortunately, words will never be enough. All I can say is, I never thought I can love someone that way until I held you in my arms. But you showed me that Love encompasses a lot of things. This Love is different–it made me stronger, stronger than I ever thought I could be. It made me want to be better, made me want to achieve something, made me want to deserve you.

newborn

Five days after you were born, I was singing to you this love song. It suddenly hit me how the lyrics of this song greatly explains how I feel for you. I felt tears run down my cheeks because I realized then, I would die for this person.

Now four years after, I look at you and I still can’t believe someone like you could come from someone like me. You are beautiful. You are amazing. I want to tell you that everyday amidst the shouting, and all the racket of raising you and your sister. I wish I can just hold your face in my hands and make you understand how much I do love you. I know it annoys you now sometimes when I repeatedly tell you I love you or kiss you over and over again because it distracts you from Disney Junior. Just that, maybe if I do it that much, it will somehow come close to how I truly feel.

The truth is, at times I feel guilty that I gave you a sister too early.  Not to undermine the love and happiness I feel for your sister; but I feel that I should have allowed you more time to be my baby. I am so proud that being a big brother before turning two has made you a little bit more mature in ways, but sometimes I wish, I could have “babied” you more. In a few months you’ll be entering preschool and soon, you’ll be more independent. But as your mom, how I wish I could hold on to you for much longer…much, much longer.

J&B

They say moms are little boys’ first girlfriends. I would say you are my true love. You are my son, my first-born. The place you occupy in my heart is no less than my happiest place. Someday, I may have to share you with a woman who you will love.  Although in my mind now, I am hating that day, I will try my very best to accept that when the time comes (although I know I would probably cry rivers).

For now, I will enjoy being your beauty queen, your heroine. And I reserve my right to kiss you as many times as I want.

Who says you can tell which of my kids I love more based on my Facebook photos??

Instagram

Instagram (Photo credit: iandavid)

i came across this post from Megan Jordan, Does Facebook (And Instagram. And your Mom) Think You Love One Kid More Than Another? and it just baffled me.  Apparently, one mother’s Facebook photos evidenced that she was favoring one child more than the others because there are way more photos of that child posted.  It “clearly” shows she can murder the unfavoured child.  i still cannot wrap my mind around that. but like Megan, it got me to thinking of my own photos and yep, one of my 2 kids has more photos than the other one. but i can definitely say that it does not mean i love one over the other more. it’s weird when people nowadays believe that a mother’s love can be judged by something that’s a bit trivial like social networking photos. i have not heard about that news but it’s something to think about. maybe i should post more photos now???