writing

looking back…

i was reading one of my older blogs, this one was from when i was just a new mom. thought i’d share some of the posts (although now, i can see i could’ve done a lot better at my style of writing then) that were the most meaningful to me…

ON MOTHERHOOD

Written: 29 August 2008 23:56

I was re-organizing my three-month old son’s cabinet earlier this evening, taking out those he had already outgrown, some were very rarely used, others not at all. Surprisingly, it was a very sad task. It was hard for me to put them in a plastic bag and transfer them to the bottom most drawer. I felt so bad I wanted to cry. I just felt that a phase of my son’s life had already passed, and that time just goes by so fast. I wish I could hold on to every moment of my child’s life because I am scared that before I know it, he has grown. When I think of the fact that he will soon be a toddler, it saddens me. I know that as my son grows up, there will be much more fun to look forward to, but looking at him now, as a baby, I can’t help but just want to hold on to this… he is just so adorable I wish he can be my baby forever. Having someone depend on you completely, and smile just upon seeing you, it melts your heart completely.

Motherhood opens your heart to extreme levels of emotions that are the hardest to contain. You never know you are capable of so much love until you have a child. Sometimes, my love for J just overwhelms me, I don’t know how to express it. Hugging him or kissing him is never enough. I want to let him feel how much I love him but you can never find enough ways to express your love to your child.

I am so excited to teach him a lot of things, to take him to places, and to simply shower him with love. I am forever complete now that I have my son.

ON “I LOVE YOUS”

Written: 27 September 2008 13:00

My mission to make mom feel loved continues. Courageously, I’d shower her with “I love yous” and “I miss yous.” I still haven’t broken her barrier. Either she won’t reply or would talk about something totally different. But for some reason, maybe due to the cosmic connection of mothers and daughters, I always receive her replies directly to my heart; and for that, I’m happy. I still wish she’d say it though. NOT because I need to hear it, but because I know I know it will do her good.

Saying “I love you” liberates us from a lot of hidden pains and grudges. It enables us to let go of the past and to start with acceptance, and to continue on with healing. The problem is, saying “I love you” is easier for most of our loved ones but a mile harder for loves deeper and more intimate. What can be deeper than the love between a mother and her child?

Having a son freed me from the “no-I-love-yous” prison. It’s like a hidden valve was unlocked and unleashed a kind of love I never thought I have. My son cured me of a lot of hurt. And knowing how my mom must be hurting, I wish for her the same liberation from pain. So I continue this mission of assisting my mother through healing…

Someday, “I love yous” will come easy for her too.

ON BROKEN FAMILIES

Written: Aug. 22, 2008

When I was younger, I don’t get all the fuss about having a broken a family. I always maintained that better to be apart than staying together wanting to bite one another’s assess off…

But after “the fall of the DC family” around the end of April 2008, I finally understood. There I was, turning 24, on the family way myself, feeling the impact of a broken family. I felt so alone.

I am married, expecting a son, but yet a certain hollow ache gnaws me from inside. I, juggling myself between WC (my true home) and Manda (my new home), Jl staying in WC, Mama & Apol in Vista and Papa…elsewhere. I can’t help but think of the old days with a longing ache.

What hurt me most is having to be separated with my siblings. For 23 years, we have been inseparable; yet now we only see each other a few times a month…or not at all.

I am past having to blame any of my parents. I’m too old for that. But how I wish we never have to be this way. I never thought it would hurt this much. I can only imagine how this must be hurting my younger siblings, when even I, the one mature enough to understand, am secretly hurting inside.

Even now that I am enjoying my status as a new mom, and with my husband’s support, I can still feel the heartache of seeing my family shatter into “my bro-my sis-my mom-my dad,” and not a single unit.

I have put off crying over this for much too long… But now, I relinquished the false appearance of strength. I needed to vent out. I have to vent out. Or else, I won’t be completely a mom to my son… won’t completely be a wife to my husband. I have to welcome the full extent of the pain… Only then will I be able to heal.

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Enough with the nostalgia.

new blog, hot from the oven

so i published a half-baked blog today.

i didn’t think it was going to be this hard to set enough time aside to busy myself with this project.  so at 12:00 noon today this blog was published without me having the chance to really polish it.  i think, though, this premature publishing just pushed me to work on this blog. so whatever you’re seeing now, this was definitely not how it looked from the first time it was published almost 12 hours ago.

here it is, then, my all new blog.  primarily, i want an avenue to share my experiences and my thoughts in.  usually, i have a lot of ideas stuck in my mind that i don’t get to tell anyone or to write about. then they become dreams—and boy, are they weird!  hopefully, this blog can be the outlet for all these thoughts that i wouldn’t need to have soap operas for dreams anymore. ; P

and so i write again…

I have always wanted to start a more serious blog ever since I became a mom; but somehow, I never pushed through with it. Don’t get me wrong, this is not my first blog but the ones I had before were more–lacking in direction, I guess? They were more of outlets for when I want to rant about something.  Lately, I am always thinking about starting one but I keep telling myself, what would I write about?  I don’t get to travel a lot, I rarely go shopping and I do not have a lot of time to eat out.  But then I figured it out… motherhood is an adventure on its own and there are a lot of things to share even when most of the time, I just stay home.